No Offense, the Subtle Art of Marginalization

I operate in a world where, outside of a work context, I can go months without having significant interaction with others of my predominate ethnic group- (aka-white people).  I have long surrounded myself with diverse people from diverse backgrounds and am thus quite comfortable in situations where I am the only person who looks like me, most of the time.

I was at a party once a few years ago. I was the only person in the room who was not African American. At one point in the party somebody used the "N" word and then turned to me and said "no offense."  On a side note, in my thinking, I am probably the last one in the room who should have received an apology, as pathetic as that apology was.

Yes, I abhor the "N" word in any context, regardless of the melanin level of who said it and whether or not the word ends in ER or A. What I also abhor is when someone says something and then turns to say "no offense."

To me, saying no offense yields only two logical reactions, both result in the taking of offense. The first reaction is to think, if you knew it was offensive why did you still say it? The second reaction is to think, no I wasn't particularly offended, but now that you pointed out the offensive nature of the statement, I probably should be.

This happened to me again last week. Someone in the room said something about a particular white person or a group of white people. I don't remember because I wasn't offended or particularly impacted by the comment. The person who made the comment then turned to me and said "no offense." Except by this time, though specifically told not to be offended, I actually was.

The comment didn't bother me. What bothered me is that up until that moment I was just a human being sharing space with other human beings. After being told to not be offended, I was suddenly and completely reminded that I was, to paraphrase Sesame Street, the one of these things that is not like the other.

This wasn't a conversational moment in which differences were discussed. That would be called dialogue. This was a conversation halt, in which the one person most different in the situation was put on display for all to see. That is called marginalization.

Marginalization is to relegate or confine to a lower or outer limit or edge, as of social standing (dictionary.com). Marginalization can be personal (like in my example) or institutional.

Institutional marginalization can occur within the context of racism (such as redlining or segregation), classism (like relegating poorer people to less desirable parts of town, see segregation), ableism (like relegating disabled people to live in subsidized housing in these same less desirable parts of town, see segregation). It can also occur in families or in groups of individuals, like in my example. The end result of all incidences of marginalization, is that they suck.

Before I stray too far from my actual point into writing about oppression, which believe me, I can. I will say that I see value in having had the experience of being marginalized. These experience, these feeling, are part of why I strive to be observant of instances where injustice is present, not that my example presents an instance of injustice (yet another blog post that I would be all to happy to write).

Shared personal experiences help us to recognize the complete humanity in others who are different. Sadly many people do not seek these experiences.  Over time, because I observe and listen, I have developed an ability to move freely among different groups of people and in multiple contexts. Yet the older I get, the less comfortable I am in uni-cultural environments, regardless of who comprises the majority culture.

Back to the point though. There are things that many of us say because we think we are being nice. No offense is one of these things. Unfortunately, saying something that might be offensive and then covering it with, no offense, doesn't make you nice. It makes you an asshole.

Posting Political Articles to Facebook and Why it Sucks to Be a Pisces

As a rule I don't tend to post many articles or memes on subjects of politics or social justice. Sometimes I think that because I don't, I must be a person cowering in the corner afraid to say anything controversial. Yet this is a gut reaction to seeing other friends who post 20 articles a day and never leave any doubt as to where they stand on anything.

Many years ago, as a good Pentecostal child, I thought that I wasn't courageous for Jesus because I didn't stand in parks yelling at people and passing out tracts, politely pointing out who was and was not going to hell. Over the years I learned that most people think that park yellers are crazy and not particularly effective in their um, craft. Yet I remained somewhat conflicted. This conflict is mostly because I am a pisces and we are pretty much always conflicted about everything. Yet the good side of that, is that we easily see issues from multiple angles and often act as a bridge between dogmatic individuals, who love to readily break everything and everyone down into exactly 2 always opposing camps. So yeah, it kind of sucks to be a pisces, but then it's cool and then it sucks again.

So while I continue to chase my fish tail, let me offer a few reasons as to why I personally, as a proud piscean (sort of), don't (normally) post (many) articles and memes on social media (facebook- I'm too old for Instagram).

1. I prefer to blog (when I have the time and am between shows on Netflix) for a variety of reasons. A blog allows for deeper dissection of issues. Short blurbs such as status updates do not support any sort of analysis. When I hear another persons opinion on things, I don't just want to know what they are thinking. Chances are, because people are often predictable, I can already pre-determine what opinion almost everyone I know has on any given issue. What I want to know is how someone came to an opinion. What are the supporting arguments for taking a certain position? What personal experiences have led to the formation of a certain opinion? And ultimately, can a given argument stand up to logical scrutiny? I, for one, like to make sure that I know what I am talking about.

2. I prefer action to opinion. I know too many people who espouse ignorant and illogical views, yet do very kind things for others. I also know people who are always first in line to point out injustice, yet take an armchair view when it actually comes to doing anything for anyone else. I tend to think that I am more effective when I operate within my sphere of influence. Rather than casting a wide everybody net, to reach those who probably aren't listening, and are unlikely to change their mind anyway.

3. I don't think it is necessarily an effective tool for bringing about social change. I have many Facebook friends who are notorious for controversial posts and their ensuing arguments. Each time it is the same people taking the same predictable positions, often in contrast to the other same people who always take the opposite position. The rest of us, after awhile, just scroll past to see what people are having for dinner and to look at pictures of cats, and/or children. I am also not all that convinced that my opinion matters much to many people. Nor am I convinced that I have any more power to effect change than anyone else that I know.

However, I have a great many friends who would disagree, or who really just like to argue. I don't. At this point in my life I am perfectly content with being a person who doesn't enjoy arguing. If you, among the 11 people that read my blog, do enjoy arguing, do you. I will sit in my own little corner of the world doing what I can, taking respite in Netflix when the daily reality of life becomes to much to bear.

This is America, you want to end police killings of unarmed people- look to Capitalism

I, like many others, can not bear to wake up to another news story about another unarmed person shot dead by the police in this country. I generically use the term person but I could very easily put the word black in front of that statement and it would be virtually synonymous.

I had to resist the temptation to pass on a social media article or meme that cleverly describes why #blacklivesmatter is necessary, but those are ubiquitous at this point and those who don't have it by now aren't likely to get it anytime soon.

I hate talking about race with most (white) people. I find it so irritatingly frustrating that I would rather be getting dental work done by my barber. As I wrote earlier in my post about the confederate flag, it isn't because people who don't get it are bad, they just literally can't take the pain. Except unlike people of other hues, they don't have to, so usually they don't. That is what we call white privilege. Hell sometimes I wish I never took the pill all those years ago, my mind would probably be more at ease.

So to those, who like me,  feel that #blacklivesmatter is important, here is my point. The black lives matter movement is imperative, not because it seeks to convince white people to be nice, but because it helps black people assert that "yes- I matter also." It is important because it is a powerful statement of self love that asserts "I am important and I will not be silent." It is statement that is diametrically opposed to the reality of most of our collective US history. It is a statement and a movement that seeks to right real and present wrongs- and to begin a reversal of generations of psychological trauma.

Though I believe fervently in the power of the blacklivesmatter movement, I know many who do not believe or do not understand. I am not black, so my understanding of these issues will always be incomplete. So I get it when my brothers and sisters (white and otherwise) who don't want to give credence to black lives matter. Again it is hard to grasp when you don't have to. The inability to grasp the challenges faced by others who are different is not the mark of an inherently bad spirit, it signals a lack of empathy. This does not mean black people are inherently more empathic, it means that they are much closer to the ugly truth on this one. People aren't necessarily bad, many of us just live in bubbles until our bubbles get popped.

So how do we reverse the startling killing of unarmed (mainly black) people by law enforcement agencies? Cameras are good, citizens police committees are good. We also need to work together. This means, speaking for myself, we work with anyone who believes that killing of unarmed people is a problem (including white people, black people, Latinos, Asians, Native people, Muslims, gay people, Jewish people, butchers, bakers, candlestick makers and the 1000's of police officers who who have worked for years without engaging in unnecessary brutality ). On the other hand.

This may sound cynical but this is the United States of America, the ultimate answer lies in capitalism. Over the course of decades the US and individual states conducted massive public health campaigns to end smoking. These public health campaigns were of questionable effectiveness, however the rates of smoking did drop dramatically. These rates dropped dramatically in correlation with rising cigarette prices. In effect the smoking rate didn't change until it hit the pocket book of individual smokers. This effect is a principle of controlled capitalism whereby they increase the price of a commodity to create scarcity or price consumers out of individual markets (kind of like red-lining, gentrification or luxury goods marketing).

So how does this relate to officer involved shootings of unarmed people? It is simple. We can continue to encourage others to be good people and to pay attention, some will. However this issue, like global warming, will not get proper attention until it hits the pocket book. So, if you really want to effect change take one from the Erin Brockovich handbook- SUE!

The Confederate flag, the "N" word, racism and why I wish I still had my Boss Hogg action figure.

Should the confederate flag be removed from the state house in South Carolina and other official government places, absolutely!  Should the confederate flag be removed from the General Lee on Dukes of Hazzard, meh.

As with everything that is extrapolated to death, this debate was taken to it's least logical conclusion when TV land removed re-runs of a decades old show about an orange Dodge Charger and the people who drove it. This decision served to drum up interest in a bad show with cool car chases; sure to keep Bo, Luke, Daisy and Cooter in the luxurious glow of royalty checks for at least a couple more years. It also highlighted the preposterous, utterly ridiculous nature of what we deem newsworthy and the instantaneous way in which some human beings choose to take offense over the most asinine things.

A couple of days later and social media is littered with posts celebrating the young woman who removed the flag from the capital grounds and defensive memes about how not everyone who flies the flag is racist. First of all flying the confederate flag in an official government capacity is very different from allowing some guy to paint one on a truck, but I will get to that later.

Are you racist for flying the Confederate flag? Maybe you are, I tend to think most people are at least a little bit racist. We tend to treat racism as if it were an exception to the love and harmony we share as people in a nation that resembles a coke commercial. We do not live in that world. We live in a place stained by generations of institutionalized racism that continues to foster inequity in education, economic opportunity and in glaring, searing injustice in our justice system.

Racism is not an exception. It is a living, breathing organism in our society that permeates to our very core. It is a monster that we did not individually create and are individually powerless to stop. It goes well beyond a celebrity secretly caught saying the "N" word or some college fraternity singing drunken, racist songs. But this is what we like to focus on because it makes these issues seem smaller and more easily manageable, instead of what they are, gigantic messes that have no easy fixes and require a level of inward assessment that most people will never attempt, because it is painful and difficult.

I imagine most people who fly the confederate flag, for whatever reason, don't really think about institutional racism or the legacy of inequity when doing so. They probably think that they are good people who do nice things for others, maybe they are. They probably think they can fly the flag because it is their right to do so, it is. They may think they are honoring their ancestors, I could speak volumes to my disagreement with this but that is another post entirely. Maybe they just want to hear Skynard play Free Bird, well so do I, as long as I never have to Hear Sweet Home Alabama again!

If you fly the confederate flag, let me admit, I don't get it. Most of my relatives who were in the US at the time of civil war were confederates, but I am not a southerner. I am a westerner and not one given to romantic notions of how the past was somehow better. What I would ask of anyone who flies the flag is to really think about their reasoning and consider other perspectives.

The confederate flag may be a point of ancestral pride to some but to others is a frightening reminder of slavery, intimidation, segregation and lynching. It is frightening to many, who have a core visceral reaction to the very sight of the stars and bars. It is a reminder of a terrible ancestral legacy to those who watched the flag used first for the confederacy and then co-opted by the KKK and other groups who sought to intimidate black people, Jewish people, Asians people, Latinos, immigrants and even Catholics.

Maybe those who fly the confederate flag are trying to rehabilitate it as a symbol. Maybe, like with African Americans who use the "N" word, they are trying to put some kind of good spin on an inanimate thing that has been used to for the purposes of evil. If this is the case, I offer the same argument I would to those attempting to rehab the "N" word. Words and symbols have power, they have legacies and meanings. We did not create these legacies and meanings, we cannot change them.

My personal hope is that the confederate flag would die to history, just like the "N" word. Does this mean that I believe people who fly it are bad? No! I have met people who said the most ignorant things and yet, when it came down to it, showed the deepest levels of human compassion. I have seen people who talk about helping others on a large scale yet ignore the suffering of those right in front of them. Life is too long and complicated for labels that fit into facebook memes or for simple solutions to deeply rooted problems.

As for allowing the confederate flag to fly on government property. Let me first admit that I  loved my General Lee toy car and Boss Hogg action figure as a child, I still wonder what happened to them.

The flag of the Confederacy was the flag of a nation that began in open rebellion with the United States of America. This was in essence the flag of a self declared nation at war with the United States. In this vein of logic the confederate flag would be on par with the flags of Britain, Mexico, Spain, Italy, Germany, Japan, North Korea and the Ottoman Empire.

As to the heritage argument. Yes many people have ancestors who fought for the confederate nation and live in the 11 states that formed this nation. We also have several states that were a part of Mexico until they were lost during the Mexican American war. There are many people living in the United States who are descendants of Mexican veterans of the Mexican American War. Imagine the uproar if a state decided to fly the Mexican flag on official government property, let alone any preposterous attempts to fly the official flag of the Ottoman Empire.

Beyond these arguments, there is a human one. The government, as flawed as it is, is supposed to represent all people. Openly endorsing a symbol that is so deeply offensive to a large portion of the population falls far short of this aim. So yes, it is your right to fly the Confederate flag on your scale model General Lee or rock the stars and bars on that old Skynard t-shirt, but no, this is not the same as flying the flag high on the grounds of a state capitol, it is not the same at all.

I am Rachel Dolezal- well almost- well not really- well just read the post.....

I will say it. With a lessened sense of identity, 1970’s home perm and a great self tanner; I could be Rachel Dolezal.

As a mental health professional, my first thought on this issue was that Ms. Dolezal has identity related mental health issues, likely rooted in trauma, an opinion that I continue to hold. My first reaction as a human being was empathy. I understood a part of her story that perhaps many do not.

My own relationship with my own ethnic group has always been complicated. Early life cruelty by white people, the prevalence of white classism and a strong affinity for Mr. T at the age of 5 (Ms. Dolezal’s purported age of the genesis of her racial identity) caused in me, the beginnings of a strong identification with those of other cultures.

A bit later in life I found love and greater levels of acceptance amongst those of black and latino cultures. As my relationships deepened I felt special, appreciated and ultimately more loved than I had ever felt in the monocultural white world. However, even among others cultures there was always a bridge to cross, that of being an outsider, of being always almost at the table but never quite there.

As an outsider, I desperately wanted to belong. So why not? Why not do like Ms. Dolezal and darken my skin? Why not settle into an ever more complicated web of lies and self denial? Why not seek comfort in a culture that feels more familiar?

I have no doubt that Ms. Dolezal is intelligent and talented in her work as a civil rights leader. I empathize with her and hate the way the media has sensationalized her story , as they do everything else. However, my identification with Ms. Dolezal’s story stops there.

As a mental health professional, I am interested in the idea of the possibility of transracial identity and its’ prevalence in our society. If nothing else Ms. Dolezal’s story brings to light an area of psychology that is largely unresearched. As a human being interested in social justice and in breaking down the barriers that separate us as human beings, I am deeply troubled.

In my opinion Ms. Dolezal’s claims of being African American aren’t rooted in a deep appreciation and identification of other cultures, which she genuinely seems to possess. Many people immerse themselves in other cultures. Many identify with the struggles of others and become allies and defenders of human rights. However, unlike Ms. Dolezal, most do this without losing their own sense of identity.

By choosing to represent herself as something she is not, Ms. Dolezal arguably lessens a perception of what it means to black. She lessens the experiences of millions of people who have come before her and didn’t have the luxury of being able to gain greater advantages by lightening their skin to become a part of a dominant culture. She cheapens these struggles by simply having the choice to pull out when the full reality of being black in America becomes too hard.

However in the greater scheme of life, she is one person. She is one headline, one blip in a 24 hour news cycle. In choosing to represent herself as something she is not, the greatest damage Ms. Dolezal does, is not to black culture, white culture or the NAACP; but to herself. Though she may believe her own deceptions, these deceptions are rooted, not in a deep appreciation for black culture but in a deep down sense of hatred for herself.  Self hatred that is like a fire and will ultimately consume her from the inside out.